Being a vampire sucks
John stared at the lone statement on the otherwise blank sheet of paper and shook his head slightly in disgust. 'That's just silly,' he thought wrinkling his nose slightly. 'Seriously, how could anyone look at that sort of comment and keep a straight face? It's just too... well, corny.'
Dipping his quill into the small bottle of ink on his desk, he grimaced slightly at the ink stains on his slender fingers. 'And just why am I using a quill to write this? Here we are, the beginning of the 21st century, and I'm writing a journal with a quill pen?' He looked longingly at his favourite fountain pen on the desk wishing to use it to write instead. 'I simply can't understand why she insisted I write with a quill. No ballpoint, not even my fountain pen, but a quill. Hell, a computer would be miles faster than hand writing!' As he thought that, John couldn't help but grimace again. A computer. A wonderful, modern convenience that made writing so much easier and faster and had so many other practical uses. It was also something that he simply couldn't afford.
Shaking his head again, he dipped his quill in the ink once more, and taking care to drain off the excess ink so as not to blot the page, he started writing:
Okay, I admit, that statement is just plain bad, but seriously. Being a vampire is highly over-rated. Whoever came up with the idea that dying and being undead was glamourous or sexy? If you want glamour or sexy, go to Hollywood and get a boob job or something. Dying isn't the way to go about it. Take my word for it. I'm there now. And eternity is looking like a very, very, long time right now.
I don't remember the exact details of why I became a vampire. I think she thought it would be a grand joke or something. John, good ol' boring John, becoming a vampire. They make the whole thing sound so sexy and mysterious, but really, when you look at it, someone basically drinks your blood and drains you so dry as to result in your death, only you're too stubborn to actually die. And once you're a vampire? Inhuman strength, wild sex appeal, really sharp and pointy canines, and a penchant towards a liquid diet. Yeah, right. I'm still me. I don't really look or act any different, although I am pretty cold all the time. Sex? You want to sleep with a body at room temperature? Are you nuts?! Okay, I'll give you the teeth. They are quite sharp thankfully. I'd hate to think of what I'd do if my teeth didn't change. What a mess that would be!
Actually, could you imagine what would happen if a really old person were brought over? One with no teeth? What're they supposed to do, gum their victims to death??
But yeah. I'm a vampire. An honest to... that being, vampire. Undead, and I live off of drinking people's blood. Ick! I will never understand why people think that vampires enjoy having a liquid diet. Oh, I know. That's how it's written in fiction. Most of the time, I'm half dizzy from starvation because the sight, smell and taste of blood make me nauseous. I've always hated blood when I was alive, and becoming undead certainly didn't change my attitude towards that substance. It's awful! I have to drink it in order to survive and yet the sight of it makes me faint. The taste of it makes me want to vomit. And somehow I have to stomach the stuff in order to... well, eat.
A good friend a long time ago couldn't understand why I hated feeding; afterall, vampires only have one staple for their diet. Could you imagine only being able to eat liver or carrots or brussel sprouts to survive? Ugh! And it's not like your personality or sense of taste changes when you die. It really is awful.
Then there's this whole "vampires are so sexy and so rich! Money doesn't grow on trees, not last time I checked, you know. And in this day and age, even if I were to kill my victims (as if I could! That's murder!) it's not like they're going to bequeath their entire estate to me. Wouldn't that look suspicious. Victim Jane Doe meets John Doe at a bar and shortly before biting the big one, leaves all her worldly possessions to him. Not likely. So that means I have to work. Without a social insurance number. Hello, that means no declaring taxes (okay this is a major plus, I will grant you that). But, it also means no legal work, no property ownership(!), no right to vote (you have no idea how painful this is given the idiocy of some governments!), and being ever vigilant not to hang around any one place too long. So, a lot of the time, I'm hiding out in shacks and other hidey holes. At least being of "no fixed address" means that I'm not about to get audited. They wouldn't know where to find me. I'm persona non grata
I really wonder where the idea of sex appeal came up for vampires. Do people really find cold, clammy bodies appealing? I mean, my body hasn't changed any. Yes I have a little more strength and I can usually get the jump on any mortal, but then, I don't advertise what I'm about to do. I'm undead. There's no aura to read, or advertising of moves in advance. I_move_, no more, no less. And, as much as I wish I were in better shape, I have only so many muscles in my body with so much strength. It's not like I can work out and strengthen those muscles or build them up. I'm doomed to eternity in mildly couch-potatoed shape. Oh alright. I was sort of fit when I died. I'm not from this century, or even last century. I worked, and that hardens the body, but I was really more of a scholar, and that certainly does not. John the bookworm cum vampire.
John the abstinent and religious bookworm cum vampire. I was no monk, but I wasn't promiscuous, and I'm sorry, but my personality is _intact_. I'm still me. I don't sleep around (although I doubt I can get any nasty bugs), and that's hard too. I mean... a little sex would be nice sometimes? Maybe? How many people are necrophiliacs though.
And so, here I am. Most people would probably classify me a class A loser. Virtually broke, very little sex, feeding makes me sick to the point of nausea, and weaker than a newborn therefore. It's enough to drive one to despair... or at least suicide. Did I mention that I'm highly religious and so I can't bring myself to do that? I know. I can't enter holy places (although the atheists can; it must be my own faith preventing me from entering), I despair over my existence, and yet, I can't simply walk out into the sun either. 1 - I'm usually too exhausted to get anywhere near the outdoors. 2 - Suicide is simply wrong and against my religion. I'm doomed.
Okay, I think that got things out of my brain for now. I had to struggle to get a chunk of that stuff written so hopefully that means that'll be the last of it. At least for now. I should put in an anyone who reads must comment, but I wouldn't be that cruel. :P
Anyhow, I finally have a bit of time to do stuff. Yay! I still haven't finished reading Ghost Hunt novels or reading through FB re: what Hezziwig had written before. Boo. >_<; Let's try doing something else productive now. :P